i am afraid that i love people like i love my cat. decorative, and in relation to our levels of dependency. in a deep and squee way when we’re together and being cute, but not quite on my mind until i see a thing on the internet that reminds me of you, or i realize i forgot to feed you. we look great in pictures together that i readily show off, but sometimes you annoy me, sleeping next to me, restricting the freedom of my natural movements, yet i would be offended if you didn’t crawl into my bed when i beckoned. i talk about you a lot more than i talk to you. you need to be "outdoor" because i won’t clean litter boxes and i need us both to be very independent and capable until it’s time for sleeping or reading in bed or showing off to house guests. when you bring me well-intentioned gifts i will only see the death & the cleanup & think of all the diseases dead rodents carry as i force fake praise and gratitude on you while bleaching the floor and mentally cursing your name. i wish i had something like Whiskers Treatz for humans, some nugget of semi-exotic goodness that immediately puts you under my thrall; it would make our relationship very manageable. but if you give me fleas i swear to god i won’t hesitate to squirt poison all over you. you’ll be my computer password for years after we part ways, cause i will be too lazy to change it and google says it’s “strong” but would be stronger if i added a symbol.
i think i am too much like my cat when someone shows interest in me. when they hold the door open until i realize they’re waiting for me to mosey on in, i suddenly become fascinated by, and absorbed in, sniffing a nearby rock, languidly meandering towards and rubbing against the door frame, cocking my head and looking all around, everywhere but at you, finding something of great import off to the side, making us both pause while i pretend to figure out what i want, acting like we aren’t both aware and waiting, until you either just let the door swing shut or i sense an impending action and dart off out of view to chase an imaginary bug.
but on the nights i come home and my cat isn’t there waiting for me, when she doesn’t come running when i call, i immediately feel a small panic in my heart. but i think it’s at least a 49% selfish panic: ‘don’t leave me’ and ‘i just bought canned food in bulk.’ but when i drive past the carcass of a kitty my lower lip quivers and i think ‘i hope mushi is safe and warm right now away from fast cars and big dogs and mean kids’ and i think ‘i will hug her extra tight tonight and let her sleep in her favorite spot and give her extra treats and sing her her song’ and those are the moments, at the precipice of loss, when my heart feels most solid and can acknowledge how much i do love my pikachu, and at that second my deep affections are real... but inevitably i will forget all about all of this by the time i park, and slip into the 'how was your day? what did you eat/kill/do?" and the rhythm remains steady.